How to be Truly Authentic

Many people believe that authenticity involves complete transparency, blunt honesty, and talking about our wayward bodily functions in public. This nightmarish stream-of-consciousness behavior is not only destructive for the speaker, but the listeners may never recover. No, that is not authenticity. Authentic communication includes awareness of the other person and awareness of our own impact.

And though I agree with much of what Adam Grant writes, I disagree with his definition that: “Authenticity means erasing the gap between what you firmly believe inside and what you reveal to the outside world” (New York Times June 4th 2016). I also disagree with the idea that “being yourself” is the same thing as being authentic. (see my blog post re. being vs. doing).

Then what IS authenticity?

Authenticity = Circumstance + Role + Intention.

The Circumstances are just that—the what, where and why.

The Role is the role we play in that circumstance—the partner, leader, friend, parent, colleague.

The Intention is what are we there TO DO.

Here’s an example: I am afraid of flying. I do it, but I am afraid of every shudder and buzz. However, when I fly with my children, I am authentically not afraid. I do not push the fear away or disavow the fear, I am simply not afraid. The Circumstances are that we are traveling together in a plane, my Role is that of caretaker, my Intention is the keep my children safe.

I am not being inauthentic when I reassure my kids that the plane is just pulling in the wheels or beginning its descent; I am completely authentic given the Circumstances, my Role and my Intention.

In the 70s when my father, Warren Bennis, was the president of the University of Cincinnati, he struggled to push the university to join the Ohio State system. This was an extremely controversial position, there were death threats, late nights, and emotional confrontations. On one particularly bad day, my father shared his feelings with the UC Board. The Chairman of the Board took him aside and said, “I understand that you are upset, but that is not what we hired you for. We hired you to lead us out of here.” My father had forgotten his CRI!

Circumstances: The university needed to join the state system in order to prosper.

Role: Leader

Intention: To save the university

As soon as he remembered his CRI, he could do his job with authenticity.

Let me be clear, authenticity does not mean disavowing our emotions or pushing down parts of ourselves that we deem inappropriate Not at all. In fact, when we are clear about our CRI, our behavior and emotions are aligned and in the service of a larger purpose so they are appropriate by default.

These techniques are taken from the world of theater. Actors know that to inhabit a character authentically, we are not being fake, we are simply putting ourselves firmly into the given Circumstances of the play, clear about our Role, and animated by our Intention. An actor who is mugged on the way to the theater will still give a stellar performance, not by cutting ourselves off from our real feelings, but simply remembering our job. In fact, if we disavow one feeling, all of our feelings will dampen (but that’s another blog post!).

So invite it ALL in and remember our CRI!