The Numbers Game

Years ago, I found myself single and playing the numbers game:

“If I’m 36 now, and still do not have a life-partner, and don’t think I’ve met the right person in all these years, and if I want to have kids and may not be able to as I near and pass 40, and my dad isn’t well, and maybe will never see his grandchildren, what are the chances…” My undaunted therapist said, “That’s not the right numbers game. The numbers game I want you to play is this: date as many people as you can, sharing your real self right off the bat, and move on when it’s clear this isn’t working.”

OK, so I think I met my husband that month.

The brilliance here is two-fold: first, the more people we meet, the more likely we are to find a good fit. More salient, though, is that we are no longer anchoring on one person. This allows a more playful, unattached, light, dating experience. It’s a lot more fun and rejection is a mild nudge rather than a tragedy.

I’m surprised I hadn’t learned this numbers lesson as an actress. In that realm, I knew that the more auditions I did, the more I was likely to get cast. More importantly, the more I auditioned, the less I was likely to anchor on “the role of a lifetime” and find myself waiting by the phone and bereft if I didn’t get the part.

Now, my advice to friends who are dating is to have “five on the bench.” When clients are applying for jobs, I have them apply to fifty companies. When clients are looking for an agent or publisher, I ask them to send out 10 per week! When clients feel stuck at work, I have them generate 20 alternatives to their current position.

This week, notice where we find ourselves playing the self-defeating numbers game and change it up—five on the bench!