The Silent Treatment: Stonewalling

We’ve been diving deep into the work of John Gottman these last few weeks. I often refer to his Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in my work in the public and private sectors. Although Gottman’s research is based on intimate partnerships, the same toxic behaviors can be present in the workplace. Recognizing behaviors which are detrimental to personal and professional relationships and interactions is the first step. Then, we work to employ their antidotes.

So far we’ve looked at defensiveness, criticism, and contempt.

This week we focus on the 4th of Gottman’s horsemen: Stonewalling. Dr. Jim Coan worked with Gottman and said that when coding couples in the “Love Lab,” they would note one partner literally turn away from the other. Stonewalling is when one partner removes themselves from the conflict rather than going towards it. We can see that sometimes this might be the best thing to do—when we are being baited or lured into a rabbit hole. But if stonewalling is a recurring habit, the relationship suffers. Knowing how to recognize and walk away from a rabbit hole or an unhealthy dynamic is vital; stonewalling is only harmful when it becomes our default.

Gottman says that we stonewall when we are physiologically flooded—often as a result of too much of the first three horsemen!

What’s the antidote? Gottman recommends taking a break: “Spend your time doing something soothing and distracting, like listening to music, reading, or exercising. It doesn’t really matter what you do, as long as it helps you to calm down.” When we are flooded it is hard to connect in a productive way, so when possible, take a break.

But what if we are at work? Doing a Q&A? At a community meeting? Getting critical feedback?

Here is what I recommend:

• NOTICE

  • Notice your behavior—are you feeling angry? Overwhelmed? Defensive? Is your heart racing, your breath staggered?

• BREATHE

  • Take a few nice deep breaths. You do not need to respond right away. In fact, sometimes just breathing calms, not only you, but everyone in the room. Actors know this—when we breathe, the audience breathes.

• BOOKMARK

  • Bookmark the moment by using Yes/No/Yes to set a boundary and come back to the subject later (see Yes/No/Yes in the post, How to Say No). Something like: “This is really important and deserves attention (YES). We don’t have the time/information/bandwidth to do this right now (NO), but after the meeting, let’s look at our calendars and find a time that works (YES).”

This week, notice when you are stonewalling. Is this a pattern? Is this a situation when walking away is the healthiest decision? Or is this something that is important to face and deal with?