One of the many things I have learned from Dr. Jim Coan is that, unlike Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, which are contorted anger, direct expression of anger is…just fine. In fact, it is probably very healthy to get angry, directly, rather than holding it in, which can lead pretty quickly to more toxic behaviors like criticism and contempt.

What does direct anger look like? According to Jim Coan, direct anger simply means, “STOP! Enough! Basta! No more!” It is putting up a hard boundary that says, “NO! No more, absolutely not.” Usually this kind of direct anger comes after every other tool in the chest has been used to no avail.

What does it feel like? Read on…

My dear friend, and friend to many, Deb, said the simplest and truest thing on our walk today. She tossed it away as if this was common knowledge: three things to do in order to make friends. Now listen, I am a big fan of Dale Carnegie and there is a reason his book, How to Win Friends and Influence People is still a best-seller 85 years since it first hit the bookstores. And yet, notice the language, “how to win friends.” For all his brilliance, Dale Carnegie puts me off when he uses the word “win” in relation to friendship. Not to mention the Machiavellian tone of influencing people!

Deb talked about making friends. Reminding us that friendship is built, forged, takes time and attention. ‘Winning’ reminds me of horse races with winners and losers.

Deb said simply, “Everyone knows how to make friends! You just have to…read on!