INNER CRITICS

In my life and practice, it’s clear that many of us have pretty harsh inner-critics. In some cases, these critics keep us from doing the very things that might bring us happiness: asking someone out, competing for a job, writing that book, doing our very best, taking a risk.

In Rick Hanson’s work on mindfulness, he talks about inviting the “positive material” to take center stage and asking the “negative material” to step back. We are not negating the negative, merely strengthening the positive. If this negative material is a harsh critic, it means simply acknowledging its presence with a quick nod, “Hello, again,” and going all out to savor everything that is positive, life-affirming, fun, joyful, possible.

Looking back at my younger self, I’d say one of my biggest regrets is that I was not a…Read On.

We’ve been digging into John Gottman’s work, specifically what he calls The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, or the four behaviors most correlated with toxic relationships.

Last week we looked at Defensiveness.

This week we look at Criticism. Criticism is a global attack, often using words like, “never,” “always,” and often invites defensiveness. Gottman makes the distinction between criticism and complaint: “A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, but criticism attacks a person’s very character.”

I’d like to add another distinction between “complaint” (a specific request) and “complaining” (whining). Whining did not make it into the Four Horsemen, but it sure is a connection killer, if you ask me.

See if you can distinguish between criticism (global personal attack) and complaint (direct request), below. Read on…

This week, we consciously introduce the 3 Communication Charmers: Curiosity, Contribution, and Commitment. When we proactively get Curious, Contribute to the conversation, and Commit to being present and paying attention, we generate creativity, trust, and connection.

Give it a go and see what changes…!

This week we play with consciously avoiding Complaint, Criticism, and Cutting-off—in all interactions from team meetings to dinner conversations.

If the goal is to converse, communicate, and connect, these three Communication Catastrophes serve only to negate others, create anger and resentment, and to splinter groups.

The first thing is to become aware of our own patterns. With awareness comes change. Notice when we complain, criticize, or cut-in when someone else is speaking. Even those of us with eye-rolling teenagers can give this a go!

This week: consciously avoid complaining, criticizing, and cutting others off when they are speaking. Then, notice how our relationships shift.

Next week: we go further and substitute Communication Catastrophes with Communication Charmers!