Criticism
We’ve been digging into John Gottman’s work, specifically what he calls The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, or the four behaviors most correlated with toxic relationships. See my intro to this conversation here.
Last week we looked at Defensiveness.
This week we look at Criticism. Criticism is a global attack, often using words like, “never,” “always,” and invites defensiveness. Gottman makes the distinction between criticism and complaint: “A complaint focuses on a specific behavior, but criticism attacks a person’s very character.”
I’d like to add another distinction between “complaint” (a specific request) and “complaining” (whining). Whining did not make it into the Four Horsemen, but it sure is a connection killer, if you ask me.
See if you can distinguish between criticism (global personal attack) and complaint (direct request), below.
* When confronted with a pile of dirty dishes, pots, and pans left in the vague vicinity of the sink, there are myriad ways we can address the culprits:
“This family has no manners.”
“I guess I’ll have to clean up after everybody again.”
“Can you put your dishes away?”
“You always leave your dishes out! I’m not your maid!”
“I just cleaned up the mess. Again.”
“I’m sick and tired of doing all of the dishes! Come on, you all, help me out.”
Can you hear the differences? Which ones are criticisms? Which are complaints?
Remember, anger, direct anger, is NOT one of Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse! Direct anger is, in fact, not correlated with bad relationships. The Four Horsemen are anger twisted into something more toxic.
What is Gottman’s antidote to Criticism?
Complain without blame
Avoid saying ‘you’
Use ‘I’ statements
Ask yourself, What do I feel? What do I need?
Here is how I coach people to avoid criticism:
AWARENESS: Become aware of the pattern in ourselves. Notice when we are using “all-or-nothing” language.
INTENTION: Ask, what is our intention at that moment? To hurt the other person? To solve a problem? To let off steam (at their expense)? To express frustration? To change a pattern? To help the other person? We often default to criticism when giving feedback, rather than looking for what is working!
REQUEST: Make a request (complaint): “Please unpack your lunch box when you get home.”
And remember, if you’ve requested one too many times, it’s OK to get angry (which simply means, STOP!): “That’s it! I’ve had it! UNPACK YOUR LUNCH BOX!”
This week, we start with noticing our all-or-nothing language, and replacing it with clear, specific requests.
*Numbers 3 and 6 are complaints. The rest are criticisms.