The Phantom Ceiling
Some of us might have an internal sense of limitations, or “Phantom Ceiling.” Like the Glass Ceiling, this ceiling keeps us down. Unlike the Glass Ceiling, the Phantom Ceiling only exists in our minds. We may well bump up against the Glass Ceiling, may even break through the glass ceiling, but the Phantom Ceiling is just that: a phantom. Often invisible, unknown, unseen, leaving us unaware of its presence. We may know those for whom that internal ceiling doesn’t exist. Or those who, in becoming aware of the Phantom Ceiling, made the choice to abandon it.
Where does it come from, this Phantom Ceiling? Society. Our families. Our mothers, fathers, teachers, friends. They might carry a very strong Phantom Ceiling themselves. They might feel they are protecting us, like Daedalus warning Icarus not to fly too close to the sun. An ancient prayer for the safety of our beloveds. Our own fears can cement the fear in others and keep them from even imagining what they might achieve.
The Glass Ceiling exists for all of us, though for those from marginalized populations, people who come from poverty, oppression, disability, the Glass Ceiling may be lower and made of thicker glass. It is real, and I do not want to confuse this reality with the internal or Phantom Ceiling. Privilege certainly weakens or erradicates the Phantom Ceilings in some. But, believe me, it can be stubborn and strong even among the most privileged. We are all human and vulnerable.
I am particularly struck by those who do not seem to have a Phantom Ceiling. There’s an almost, “how dare they” reaction I have. How dare they not follow the unspoken rules about behavior, expectation, belief? Which makes me reflect and dissect this diminishing reaction. How dare they not? How dare I not? Is it envy? Comparison? Astonishment?
I was speaking about this with a friend, Lisa Bowers, who has had an epic career, and has the bruises and cuts of her combat with the Glass Ceiling to prove it. In coaching women C-Suite executives, she notes that women are likely to say their professional goal is to be a COO. She scoffs, “Nobody’s dream is to be a COO! They really want to be a CEO, but have been trained to shoot lower than their dreams and their qualifications.” Lisa says that they may in fact hit the Glass Ceiling and remain at the COO level. But they should let the Glass Ceiling be the stopper, not their own Phantom Ceiling.
Recently, I’ve had the pleasure and honor to work alongside Betsy Myers. Betsy, like Lisa, has had an epic career in and out of the White House. In her book, Take the Lead, she shares the stories of her seemingly limitless journey. It may have been naivete or simply the ingredients of her upbringing or temperament, but Betsy seems to be someone who just doesn’t have a Phantom Ceiling. I can’t tell you how freeing it is to work with someone like that! This is what I learned from watching Betsy work and interact with others:
Hard work is essential. She does not think things will come easy.
She does not feel she deserves anything more than anyone else, but that we are all deserving.
There is not a shred of “specialness” or narcissism. Her own sense of possibility is something she sees for everyone.
She is in no way competitive, but inclusive.
She is not naive, but practical.
She is not machiavellian, but strategic.
She has boundless generosity and time for everyone; she’s just as likely to engage with a 20 year-old as a 60 year-old, a student as the mayor, a street vendor as a CEO.
She picks others and she picks herself.
She asks for and announces what she wants, knowing she may not get it but letting that be the world’s doing, not her own.
You can see this at work when she told me to take a title for my work at the Warren Bennis Leadership Institute.
This week, investigate and get curious about our own Phantom Ceilings.
Do we sense we have one?
In what realms do they haunt us? In our work? In love and relationships?
If we find we do have one, can we dismantle it? Let it go? Notice when it reappears or transmogrifies, intensifies or charades as a Glass Ceiling?
Play with moments of freedom from that limitation. Imagine a life without it. What would that feel like? What would we do?
And then do or say that thing.