INNER CRITICS

In my life and practice, it’s clear that many of us have pretty harsh inner-critics. In some cases, these critics keep us from doing the very things that might bring us happiness: asking someone out, competing for a job, writing that book, doing our very best, taking a risk.

In Rick Hanson’s work on mindfulness, he talks about inviting the “positive material” to take center stage and asking the “negative material” to step back. We are not negating the negative, merely strengthening the positive. If this negative material is a harsh critic, it means simply acknowledging its presence with a quick nod, “Hello, again,” and going all out to savor everything that is positive, life-affirming, fun, joyful, possible.

Looking back at my younger self, I’d say one of my biggest regrets is that I was not a…Read On.

As we move onto the stage, remember, there is a reason that some company or organization has paid to have a flesh and blood person brought into the room.  They pay for planes, trains, and Ubers.  They feed us, put us up in hotels. The reason they have paid to have a person right there in the room, is…Read on.

A couple of years ago I was at a conference when a friend, a member of the planning committee, mentioned that one of the panelists on main stage event had missed their plane. She scrambled to find a replacement to speak on the news media and was lucky enough to secure someone last minute. The others on the panel were quite famous. One, an elder statesman and frequent political commentator, the other a news anchor from a major network, and the moderator was a former CEO of a radio news outlet. The chairs on the enormous stage stood about seven feel apart, leaving Tara McGowan, the understudy, replacement, stand-in, center stage on an island all her own in an emerald green dress. I have no idea how old she is, but she looked to be about thirty.

The first question went out to the group and the jolly news anchor took the mic and launched in. He talked for quite a long time—maybe ten minutes—with nods and support from the elder statesman and the moderator. He regaled us with stories about his career and lectured us on the vital importance television. Tara McGowan, poised and still, watched as he talked and talked. Honestly, I wasn’t taking much in—he was full of bluster and self-congratulation, chuckling at his own jokes. My mind was wandering when a flash of green caught my attention. Tara McGowan had moved suddenly …Read on.

Once, while doing summer stock in a Vermont barn, a lovely but inexperienced actor said she simply couldn’t play the scene.  The gun she needed to wield was hidden in a purse on the opposite side of the stage.  How was she ever going to get it?  It just couldn’t be done.  End of play. 

All the other actors were thrilled:  A challenge! A creative pursuit!  An obstacle! 

“How about if you creep through the audience and back up on stage in the previous scene?” 

“How about if I, in character, get a coughing attack, take the purse and start digging …Read on.

Many businesses have both a Vision Statement, the aspirational WHAT we most wish for, and a Mission Statement, the HOW do we get there.  Apple Computers, known for their beauty and simplicity, had both components beautifully and simply stated in their original Vision Statement:

“To make a contribution to the world by making tools for the mind that advance humankind.”

The Vision, the aspirational WHAT is “to make a contribution to the world that advances mankind.”  And the HOW, the Mission, is “by making tools for the mind.”

It’s useful and fun to craft our own, personal Vision and Mission statements, our Purpose. They can serve as a North Star, a reminder of who we are and what we most value. They can also …Read on.

"Mastering the context is about understanding your place in the world. You have to understand the state of the world around you in order to enact change within the world and within yourself."

"The first step for any leader who wants to create a culture that generates intellectual capital is to understand the context of the organizational world we're living in today."

—Warren Bennis

As leaders, we absolutely must understand the context of the organization at that moment and the place of that organization in the larger context in order to lead with impact.

In theater, we call the context…Read on.

“When speaking to the audience, people are going to respond to you as you speak and when they do, look at them. If someone laughs, look their way, if someone sighs, see who did it.  If someone smiles, check them out.”

—Seth Barrish,”An Actor’s Companion.”

What I love about Seth’s direction for actors is that he does not tell us why we should look at the audience when they react. He just lays out what to DO, an intention.  Look at the audience when they respond to us.

I can guess what might happen.  Can you? …Read on.

I did a one-year online mindfulness course with Rick Hanson called “The Foundations of Well-Being.”  For me, the practices were life-changing; for the first time, I understood how short, daily mindfulness practices build up a sense of inner warmth and calm over time.

One practice comes back to me every January 1st when we formulate our dreams, resolutions, goals, for the next year: “Making Your Offering.”

Rick has us re-formulate our personal goals and dreams as offerings and gifts.

In this practice, Rick has us disconnect…Read on.

One of the greatest gifts we can give, and this is not hyperbole, is our attention.

In these posts, I’ve written about this in many ways: I’ve written of intention, which focuses our attention, we’ve talked about of the importance of knowing our audience and “the other” as we prepare for communication, we have touched on paying attention and listening, I wrote about “Blue Bathroom Coaching,” which reflects our coachees in a positive light, the Magical Ms. Busching who “gets” every one of her students, and I wrote about my father’s intention to be a “first class noticer.”

This week, we focus on all of those things; we focus on being a great audience so that others may bloom. It is that loving gaze, that absolute belief in us, that rapt attention, that deep engagement, that we emulate.

In order to be a great audience, we must disarm the impulse to…Read on.

I love working with my clients on pitches. We have only minutes to ignite others. There is something so clean and sharp about a pitch. The best are simple and passionate.

And they take a lot of work to craft, hone, and deliver with precision. Remember the quote from Blaise Pascal, “If I had more time, I would have written a shorter letter.” We want to have everything the audience needs to assess our idea or product, and leave them curious enough to want more.

Overall, the thing we want from a pitch is to be memorable. Those being pitched see many ideas, people, and pitches, so we want to both have an exciting idea and communicate it with all the skills we can cultivate.

Pitching is a lot like auditioning: it’s easy to fall into all-or-nothing thinking but in reality, it is…Read on.

“…if your spontaneous cheerfulness be lost, …sit up cheerfully and …act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there…So, to feel brave, use all of our will to that end, and a courage-fit will very likely replace the fit of fear.”

—William James.

There used to be a big split between the English method for acting and the American method. In the US, we adhered to Stanislavski’s method where we work from the “inside-out,” meaning we create a vivid inner life and history for the character and want to feel what the character feels authentically. In the old British school—think John Gielgud, Maggie Smith, and Laurence Olivier—actors worked from the “outside-in,” starting with a fake nose or limp to create a character.

There’s a great story about Dustin Hoffman, trained in the US, and Olivier, the master of English theater, when they worked together on the film, Marathon Man. Hoffman, in order to get ready for a particularly brutal scene where the character had not slept for days…did not sleep for days! Olivier thought this was ridiculous and said simply…Read on.

“The first way, the last way, the never-failing way to develop self-confidence in speaking is…to speak.  Really, the whole matter finally simmers down but one essential: practice, practice, practice.”

--Dale Carnegie, Public Speaking for Success.

We often use the term ‘confidence’ to paint a wide swath, as in, “she is so confident,” “they exude confidence,” “I need to build my confidence.” What I love about the quote above from Dale Carnegie is that he reminds us that we build confidence in one area at a time and that all it takes is practice. This idea that someone just has confidence or lacks confidence is misleading. We can be a confident skateboarder and lack confidence in skiing. We can have confidence in our ability to make friends and lack confidence in our ability to negotiate a contract. We can be confident in the classroom and lack confidence in the court of law.

In communication, we count on repetition: we say ‘yes’ to every opportunity and rehearse like mad. We rack up experience and…Read on.

In Sophocles’ Antigone,Antigone defies her uncle Creon’s decree to leave her brother unburied; her brother had fought against his homeland and this was his punishment.  Even though her sister, Ismene, implores Antigone not to go against Creon’s edict, Antigone follows a higher law, a law she believes is best for her brother, and buries him.  

I’m reminded of a quote from my father, Warren Bennis, who wrote on leadership: “Managers do things right. Leaders do the right thing.”  So, Antigone’s sister, Ismene, is like a manager, following fickle orders born of personal vendetta and anger, while Antigone, a leader, does the right thing, the most generous thing. Her actions are for her brother, risking safety to herself. She is generative and generous.

I think of this story when I think of being generative as artists and communicators…Read on.

The late, great, Michael Warren Powell gave me an enormous gift during an audition. A mentor, teacher, and dear friend, he reminded me to make the positive choice. In theater this means that one’s character must have hope, that no matter how futile the given circumstances, no matter how colossal the obstacles, our character believes they will get what they want, that their intention is attainable. If we give up hope, there is no play, no action, no story.

This is true in life, as well. In order to continue, to persevere, we must believe our goals are attainable, that our dreams are possible. Tillich called this, “the courage to be.”

The day MWP gave me this gift, I was auditioning…Read on.

Remember the urban legend of the mother picking up a VW Bug to save her baby?  That act is pure intention with immediacy and high stakes.  That mother’s action, thought, behavior, voice, and words are completely aligned.  Her Big Why, her overarching purpose, may be to raise an adult that will contribute to the world.  Her immediate intention is simply to save her child.   She is not thinking about herself, her own safety, what she might look like, or what others might think of her.  Her focus on wholly on the child, the other. She takes immediate action in a matter of life and death.  The highest stakes possible.

The above scenario has elements that we can translate into helpful tools for any speaker: role (mother), given circumstances (child under car), purpose (to care for this vulnerable human), intention…Read on.

My system for writing these posts is structured to catch any mistakes and to give myself time to edit. I write the post on Wednesdays, it comes out on Thursdays as a test mailing, I tweak it, edit it, check all the links, and send it to anyone I mention to get their permission and input. The final post comes out to my mailing list on Sunday mornings and is then populated on all socials on Tuesday mornings.

In other words, I am my own editor. For better or worse. There are many things I know I miss and much that could be stronger in my writing. So when I was asked by the extraordinary writer, Erika Raskin, to write something for Streetlight Magazine where she is an editor, I said, YES!

If you haven’t yet discovered Streetlight Magazine, it’s an online treasure trove of poetry, fiction, memoir, and art.

Erika asked for 500 words. In my notes, I wrote down that she needed 2500 words. You can see why I might need an editor in more than just my writing!

I worked on a piece I was really excited about and sent it off to Erika, still shy of the 2500 (!) words, it was about 2000. I hoped it was OK.

Ever gracious, Erika was kind and clear. Even a bit apologetic. Not only was the essay way over the word limit, Erika wrote back that she did not…Read on.

When we set a clear intention for a talk, we infuse our words with purpose and clarity. Another technique that theater folks love to help crystalize our focus is immediacy: why is this topic vital right now, in this exact moment? Why can’t this wait one more second? In public speaking, immediacy can transform our message from being simply engaging to being utterly captivating. Immediacy brings a sense of vitality to the moment. Immediacy is what draws in an audience, what makes them lean forward and stay present. It’s a spark, an urgency that says, “This is important, and it’s important right now.”

Whenever we speak in public we ask ourselves…Read on.

“Be still when you have nothing to say; when genuine passion moves you, say what you’ve got to say, and say it hot.”

--D. H. Lawrence 

I saw a brilliant play in 1989 at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival by a Yugoslavian company, Tattoo. There were no words spoken in the entire play. It was not mime, but simply took place in the swaths of time when we do not speak. No words are necessary. The play opens in a bar, a real bar. A man robs the bartender at gun-point, then runs out of the bar, across the street, and up the stairs. We follow and gather in a bedroom. Through the window, silently, creeps the thief who slips into bed with his wife, making sure not to wake her. The moon rises and falls and the next morning, he and his wife fold clothes and make the bed while their baby sleeps…

Silence. How can we as communicators, allow for silence?

We were taught…Read on.

Some of us may be tempted to take a beta blocker, a shot of booze, or a gummy to help with public speaking anxiety.  Before we do, please consider the audience and the right they have to a great talk.  The drug may dampen our own anxiety, but it may also dampen our performance.  There are certainly other ways to manage our anxiety that do not hurt our delivery.

I work from the premise that when a reaction is caused by a thought, it can be managed by an action.

I worked for several months with a brave soul who had taken a strong stand against the unethical practices of the company for which he had worked.  His talk preparation progressed beautifully until a few days before when he showed up to rehearse.  His words seemed labored and leaden; his speech was…Read on.

Whether emceeing, moderating, convening, training, or leading, a great facilitator is almost invisible. The project, training, or meeting seems to bloom right before us spontaneously. The facilitator creates and holds the space for other people and ideas to flourish while completing the agenda on time. Miraculous. It’s almost like a soft wind: invisible yet powerful; containing, shifting, buoying, orchestrating.

A great facilitator exemplifies "expression in service of…"

A great facilitator knows when to let go of any goals in favor of a more pressing issue: they read the room, know the greater context, and can see when something isn’t working.

I think of this as “BeHolding.” We, as facilitators, HOLD the space as we BEhold what is taking place. Our attention is rapt; we notice every dynamic and emotion while keeping track of...Read on.