Defensiveness
In exploring John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, I begin with Defensiveness mostly because it is the one I find most common in my own relationships and interactions. Yes, indeed. Why? Because I want everyone to love me and I’m always right. A perfect recipe for defensiveness.
Gottman notes that defensiveness is usually a response to criticism (we’ll get to that!).
Importantly, Gottman reminds us that “being defensive never helps to solve the problem at hand.” Defensiveness does not work! It does not solve the problem! It only serves to dig deeper into the conflict.
What does Gottman advise as an antidote to defensiveness? “The antidote is to accept responsibility, even if only for part of the conflict.”
Um…OK. O.K. I can do that…sometimes…Like saying I’m sorry when I did not mean to offend or hurt someone else. Yes.
But what if we are really right? What if we did not leave the windows open and the AC on? What if it’s simply not true that by leaving a wet towel on the bathroom floor we are sending a message that we don’t care about others? And what if the other person is really not being rational, logical, is reading malicious intent into our actions or projecting their own issues?
When you find yourself feeling defensive (even if you are unequivocally right!), take these steps:
Take a breath.
If there’s any grain of truth, any part of the criticism that you can own, apologize and take responsibility. Full stop.
If you hurt someone completely unintentionally, apologize without an iota of blame or defense.
Listen for emotional subtext (i.e. true meaning of communication) and address that emotion (see Listening to Subtext).
If you are receiving feedback that makes you feel defensive, take it in. Just give it a try. Why not?
Get curious.
The other night I was lucky enough to have dinner with Dr. Jim Coan* who worked with Gottman and helped create his coding system. When I asked him what he believes is the best antidote to defensiveness, he said, “curiosity.” I thought back to a painful interaction I had had the day before. I felt that someone was accusing me of something and she felt I was accusing her of something. I became defensive, as if proof was what was needed. I so wish I had become curious and asked the hard questions. I realize I was scared to hear the answers. Instead, I lost the relationship. Curiosity might have saved it.
Curiosity is the most potent antidote to defensiveness.
This week, when you find yourself getting defensive: breathe, apologize, take responsibility, and get curious.
*If you want to hear a silly radio play that Jim and I did a while ago, Listen here: