Taming the Horse: Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
Though John Gottman’s research focuses on romantic partnerships, I find his work very useful when thinking about all sorts of interactive communications: tense conversations, co-parenting, parenting, facilitation, interviews, community meetings. Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are particularly useful; these are the behaviors Gottman has found to most negatively impact relationships. Of course, we all fall into these behaviors sometimes! They key is to notice when they dominate interactions and practice their antidotes when possible. In heightened, high-stakes interactions where we need to influence others, gain momentum, create coalitions, change systems, ignite ideas, or overcome obstacles, avoiding these behaviors is an essential skill.
Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are: defensiveness, criticism, stonewalling, and contempt.
Defensiveness is defending, not taking responsibility, externalizing, putting the blame elsewhere.
Criticism is a global character assault, often using the terms, “always,” and “never.” For example, “You always interrupt.”
Stonewalling is just like building a wall between you and the other person/people, ignoring, turning away.
Contempt is a feeling of distaste, the nostrils flare as if something stinks. Eye-rolling and sarcasm code as contempt.
Of course, it’s easy to spot these behaviors in others! However, to change relational and communication patterns, we always start with our selves.
In the next four posts I will delve into each of the four horsemen.
Until then, we start to notice when WE find ourselves being defensive, criticizing others, stonewalling or cutting off, and feeling contemptuous.