Things we can let go of: controlling our emotions

I often have clients who come to me wanting to control their emotions.

“I want to be confident.”

“I do not want to be anxious.”

“I want to be strong.”

“I don’t want to cry.”

“I want to be relaxed.”

“I don’t want to shake with fear.”

“I want to be vulnerable, but not too vulnerable.”

I’ve even had a speaker say they wanted to make themselves cry during their talk. At a certain moment! Orchestrated emotion! Watching someone “try to cry” is really painful (see example: Lindsay Bluth).

I get it, we are all afraid of either being hijacked by our emotions or we want to project a certain emotion or state of being.

This, like worrying about what others think of us, is something we can let go. Trust me.

There are two reasons it is a fool’s errand to try to control our emotions:

1) It’s impossible. We can numb, blunt, disavow, cover, suppress, push, force, and negate, but our emotions only grow stronger and can transmogrify into something far more malignant (see Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse).

2) Our emotions are not good or bad, right or wrong, valid or invalid, appropriate or inappropriate, justified or not justified. Our emotions simply come through us, if we allow them to. It’s when we try to control or manipulate our emotions that we risk being inauthentic or out of control.

Trying to control our emotions will bite us in the butt. Every time.

Instead of focusing on controlling our emotions, we can focus on our role, our circumstances, and our intention. These three things create the space for an authentic and appropriate expression.

This week, we allow emotions to wash through us and trust that by focusing on our role, our circumstance, and our intention, we will be just fine.