Questions that Connect Us

In the Fall of 2016 I visited our dear family friends, Joan Goldsmith and her husband, Ken Cloke. I was trying to make sense of a world where all the things I valued (empathy, connection, representation, equity, equality, justice) seemed to be rejected by so many of my country-people. The cognitive dissonance left me bereft and lacking the capacity to see the complexity of the moment: everything and everyone seemed to be “good” or “bad,” “right” or “wrong.”

Ken caught me up short in a conversation that reframed everything. He said, “The trouble is that we are asking the wrong questions. The questions we’re asking only have polarizing answers.” I was flooded with examples: “Who did you vote for?” “Do you believe in God?” “Do you support abortion rights?” “Do you support gun reform?” “Where do you get your news?”

These questions have only one-word answers. There is no room for a complex human being to reside in those answers.

Ken guided me to ask a very different question, a question that invites infinite answers, a question that has framed our humanity, given us meaning, culture, and connection:

“What is your story?”

Certainly, asking this question, “what is your story,” brings the possibility for discovery, complexity, vulnerability, empathy, curiosity, and deeper knowledge. We may not find understanding or agreement, but we will find a person. Ken has a wonderful list of 50 questions to ask in political discussions.

This reminded me of one of my favorite TEDx Talks at our Charlottesville TEDx. Lalin Anik, a Darden Business School professor, did not talk about business at all. She did a wonderful experiment and asked passersby one of two questions. One question evoked a quick, one-word, response. The other created a moment of unexpected connection.

I’ll say no more, you can watch the talk here.

This week, think about the questions we ask. Are they likely to polarize us? Or connect us? This week, we play with questions that invite connection.