You can always say ‘No.’
“Do you want to buy a bumper sticker? M&Ms? Gatorade? A ball cap?”
These kids look so sweet! And we want to support them, right?
But what if we do not actually want any of those things? We can say, “No. No thank you. No.”
In last week’s post, You Can Always Ask, I encourage us all to ask for what we want, knowing that people can say ‘no.’ We all have a right to ask. And we all have a right to say ‘no.’
But for whatever reason, this simple clarity of boundaries can be hard for us.
A friend recently revealed that for the last five years she’s been holding onto a feeling of deep resentment towards her sister who asked her to watch her two large dogs while she went on a vacation. At the time, my friend had said ‘yes,’ although she was ambivalent. She felt her sister had put her on the spot by asking during a family dinner and did not want to appear selfish.
I said, “But you could have said ‘no.’”
She looked at me like I was absolutely bonkers: “What? Are you saying this is my fault?”
It was a strange conversation. And confusing for me, as if there is an implicit agreement, a social script that says a request is actually a demand that cannot be denied. So the act of asking itself is rude and selfish, even an act of aggression.
I adamantly disagree. I want to encourage all of us to ask for what we want. And I encourage all of us to say ‘yes’ only if it is a whole-hearted, YES! If it’s a ‘no,’ or an ‘I’m not sure,’ a ‘maybe,’ say so. Do not blame the asker. It is our responsibility to take care of our own needs, have good boundaries, speak up for our selves. Think of what five years of resentment does to a relationship! Think of how it curdles our own lived experience! Better to say ‘no’ and be clear. Clarity and candor are far better for all of us.
Here are some great ways to say ‘no’ without hurting anyone’s feelings.
So next time someone asks us to buy a bumper sticker to support their team, we can yes/no/yes it:
Yes, I want to support you.
No, I don’t want a bumper sticker.
Yes, here’s a donation.