Good Boundaries
In grad school at Smith School for Social Work, we spent time thinking deeply about our own experiences, beliefs, histories, psyches, so that we would not project them onto our clinical clients, but would own them and see our clients more clearly. By knowing ourselves, we can better help others. Good boundaries come from knowing what is our issue and what is our client’s issue. We can gain clarity about our own intentions and boundaries by asking the simple question, Who does this benefit? In a therapeutic setting the relationship is clear—the therapist is providing a service for the client. Therefore, if a comment or behavior benefits the therapist, it’s a boundary violation. If it truly benefits the client (we tend to kid ourselves), then it’s just fine. If I’m making a funny comment in a session because I want my client to think I’m funny, that’s crossing a boundary. If I am making a funny comment to help my client relax, then my intention is FOR THEM. The therapeutic boundary is clear. Therapy is FOR the client. Full stop.
In any relationship where there is a power dynamic, such as therapist/client, supervisor/direct-report, celebrity/fan, parent/child, we should always ask this question: Who does this benefit? By asking this question, we consciously check our own behaviors to make sure we are not taking advantage of the inequality for self gain.
Of course, most relationships have a bit of both giving and receiving and power dynamics can shift moment to moment. (Imagine a CEO leading a board meeting and then getting pulled over for speeding on the way home. In the board room she has a power advantage. In her car, the traffic officer has the upper-hand.) No matter the relationship, awareness of who benefits is still a helpful question to ask. Many times I find myself saying something to assuage my own fear, to confirm that someone loves me, or simply to vent. These are communications that serve me. This is just fine as long as I am aware and honest with myself and others: this is FOR me.
Particularly thorny questions arise when we frame something as a gesture for someone else when it is really for us. Think about moving an elderly relative to a live-in facility—is this because we simply don’t have the bandwidth to care for them? If it’s the truth, say it! Own it! Take responsibility. But if we falsely frame it as “this is best for them,” everyone will sense we are not being honest. We are creating a double-bind where people sense one truth and hear another. Our true intention is communicated whether we like it or not. Think about someone bringing wine to a friend who doesn’t drink. Who is this for? Think about giving a theater ticket to someone who doesn’t love theater because we don’t want to go alone. Or “giving” someone a hug when we need connection, but maybe they do not.
It’s all about clarity of intention and boundaries. Asking, “who is this really for?” helps avoid these confusing and conflicted gestures which leave all parties unhappy.
This week, we ask ourselves, who is this FOR? Who does this benefit? We all need love, acceptance, laughter! And it’s OK to ask for what we need. But awareness and clarity about who this benefits makes for far better relationships.