“He knew me.” Communication that makes us feel known, cherished, elevated

Ineffable Quality

When I sit in the audience for certain events—plays, concerts, talks—I can feel the difference between a performer who makes me think, “Oh, wow! That is a great performer! What a virtuoso!” and a performer pulls me into the music, the story, who makes me feel part of something bigger. One performer awes me while another touches me.  One singer elicits a gasp, “What a voice!” The next envelopes me in the beauty of the music.  I marvel at one speaker and see things differently when the next has left the stage.

This quality of communication can happen in many realms.

In Leadership

A favorite story of my father’s was a description of a man passionately weeping as FDR’s funeral train passed by. When asked, “Why are you here? Did you know him?” the man answered, “No, but he knew me.”

How does that happen? That a person far removed from another person in every way can still connect so deeply that the other feels known?

In Musical Performance

When my dear friend, the singer/songwriter, Dar Williams, performs one of her songs I can feel the whole audience sigh, “Oh, yes. Now I am not alone.”

How does she perform in such a way that people she may never meet feel included?

In Conversation

A wonderful anecdote comes from Jenny Churchill, Winston’s mother, who famously said, "When I left the dining room after sitting next to Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in England.  But when I sat next to Disraeli, I left feeling that I was the cleverest woman."

We hear about this all the time, those people who make every person feel they are special. What are they doing to create this dynamic?

In Theater

Most actors have read Uta Hagen’s book, Respect for Acting. In the first chapter she describes the difference between the two greatest actresses of the stage in the early 1900s, Sarah Bernhardt and Eleonora Duse. She writes that when Sarah Bernhardt made her entrance in a play, even in the middle of a scene, the entire play would come to a halt. Sarah floated in, arms out-stretched, soaking in the admiration of the audience while they rose to their feet, applauding. She might nod her head or slowly curtsy. Then she would join the ensemble and the play would continue.

When an audience came to see Eleonora Duse perform, the play would begin and before they knew it, the audience was pulled so deeply into the story that only at the curtain call did they realize it was Duse!

How can we all cultivate this quality?

This quality of communication demands that we let go of our ego’s need for recognition because, if we do it right, we become almost invisible: our teams flourish, our students do great work in the world, our constituents thrive. Some will recognize and value this quality, but many will be completely unaware. They only know that they feel good in our presence. That’s got to be enough.

How do we become that kind of person? How do we communicate in such a way that others flourish?

Honestly, I’m not really sure how they do it! But I have a guess.

This week, let’s try this:

Before a party or meeting or talk or a family gathering, consciously choose an intention that:

• Is a gift FOR the other/others/our audience

• Holds a sense of ASPIRATIONAL POSSIBILITY

For instance, a teacher might let her 3rd grader know they are a wonderful writer, rather than focusing on misspellings. A team leader might hold the belief that the project can be done, even in the midst of institutional chaos. A speaker might show their vulnerability, inviting in the beauty of human imperfection for us all. An aunt may listen deeply to understand her nephew’s love of gaming, tossing away her fears and judgements, honoring and even elevating his passion.

There is a generosity of spirit we all can cultivate.

If we can see the possibility in others, their potential, and hold on tight to that belief, even if they can’t, it might create this shift. We want to move the focus from ourselves to others, from being the center, to being simply the one who shines the light, nudges the boat out to sea, allows for great things to happen. Let me know how it goes.