The Courage to LISTEN

Last week we talked about having the courage to ask the hard questions, questions that may make us vulnerable, but which may open up new possibilities and opportunities. This week, we are the person being asked. This week, we need the courage to listen.

The first and most important thing to do is to breathe. Just breathe, pause, take it in. Wait. Wait. Wait. This is perhaps one of the most important skills to practice as a communicator—to wait. We have to slow down the conversation when faced with any conflict, heightened emotion, criticism, internal alarm bells. We calm our bodies and our minds. We wait. We pay attention.

Notice if we jump to defend ourselves, even before we utter a word. Defensiveness, as John Gottman shows us, does not resolve the issue. Rather, it blocks movement, progress, and opportunities to grow. Notice and then melt our defensiveness.

What unblocks us? As Jim Coan reminds us, curiosity. Real, open, non-defensive, curiosity. Ask courageous questions.

When faced with a hard question, a request, criticism, feedback, heightened emotions, we:

• Breathe

• Wait

• Melt defensiveness

• Ask courageous and open questions

• Take in those answers, that information, pay attention.

• Then, breathe and wait again

That’s it. Even if the question or feedback feels wrong, unfair, incorrect, we just listen. Why and when do we defend ourselves? If we listen deeply, often the need for defending ourselves wanes; just open listening has the power to dissolve fraught issues. We seek perspective and an open mind. We engage empathy.

This week, practice courageous listening.