“Can I join you for a game of pool?” “Any chance I can catch a ride?” “Want to go out sometime?” “I’d love to be considered for that job.” “Would you be willing to read and perhaps blurb my book?” “I’d love an introduction to your literary agent/HR person/dean/CFO…” In my mid-thirties I found myself single and thought I might as well throw caution to the wind and ASK my dearest friends if they know a “Great guy. Not just some guy who happens to be single. Someone wonderful.” Every one of them said something like, “Yes! I have always thought you should meet______!” All I had to do was ask and suddenly I was dating five different, fascinating, delightful, men. And I met my husband-to-be around month 3 of this adventure. Asking, letting people know what we want, being open about our dreams and desires, our plans and goals, is like opening a door to a whoosh of opportunity. Why ask? Read on…

“We have two ways to meet: virtual AND in-person.” “Hospitals function best when they serve the person AND the community.” “I like bananas AND apples.” What happens when we stress the AND? The meaningful words on either side are tossed away, forgotten. And for what? A conjunction. This is a pattern I often hear in my clients when giving a talk or presentation. Interestingly, I do not hear this vocal pattern in conversation or daily speech. I would love for the stress to be on the significant AND interesting words. This week…Read on.

Last week I wrote about my son’s New Year’s Eve pronouncement that he wanted to invite more risk into his life. I blurted, “I want that!” When we see something we want—a behavior, a talent, a career, a promotion, a book published—we can either stew in the wanting or take action. In the book Wishcraft by Barbara Sher, the author talks about seeing jealousy and envy as guides, sign-posts telling us to “Go that way!” This re-orientation to comparison has had an enormous impact on my life. As a professional actor, every audition, every acting class, every movie, play and TV show I watched, was a breeding ground for comparison, envy, and jealousy. Like a seething cesspool, these feelings can keep us stuck. And quite unhappy. Maybe even bitter. Barbara Sher’s advice set me free to see the wanting as a gift, telling me more about my own desires. As envy revealed my desires, my desires became my goals. And once I was clear about my goals…Read on.

Every December 31st, our family does some sort of small ritual. Some years we give each other a wish for the next year: ”My wish for you is to find time to paint,” “My wish for you is to find balance and time to rest.” This year we each put forth: one thing we are grateful for, one thing we want to let go of, and one thing we want to invite in. My son, Luke, jumped in: “I’ll go first. I want to invite in risk.” Wow. We all stopped. Wow! Just saying those words sounded risky! I was startled by the simplicity and candor, the clarity and self-knowledge. How courageous it is to consciously choose to go towards those things that scare us—to risk. To risk in order to grow, to do good, to expand ourselves, to experience more, to connect, to do the right thing, to be vulnerable, to love. I was a little jealous, honestly, of that courage. I blurted …Read on.

My friend, Dana Ainsworth, created something called, The Wonder Club. She curates experiences to bring us back to a sense of wonder. Her events are heavily structured and developed in advance so that we are effortlessly tossed into a wild, chaotic, whimsical moment of deep connection with ourselves and with the group. That, is sway. Again, we start with structure in order to find freedom. What are the structures, the skills and techniques, we practice so that we communicate with sway in our lives? can tell you mine…Read on.

This photo illustrates everything I want to share about having sway in relationships: the four dear friends deeply connected, their arms wrapped tight, embracing, girding, protecting, and yet separate, each individual freely expresses their own, joy, mischief, exuberance. In this series we have been playing with techniques to cultivate sway in our bodies, our content, and our work. A deep grounding, like tree roots, allows for strong branches to dance with the elements. How does this principal apply to relationships? How do we create relationships that sway, adapt, change, relationships that are deeply grounded, yet responsive to the dynamic elements of life? Read on…

“Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent and original in your work.” — Gustave Flaubert. I love this quote from Flaubert. It makes me think of the small, repetitive movements of a farmer moving along a row of earth, planting seed after seed after seed, orderly and regular. The farmer knows that this calm and mundane routine will coax wild roots to descend and twisting tendrils to wind their way skyward.

All of the work we do together—in blog posts, trainings, coaching sessions, key notes—has the same message: prepare, become fluent, then play.

In the workplace, this means…Read on.

On January 1, 2023, this post appeared. That morning, one year ago, as I contemplated the forthcoming year, I announced what I wanted. And it surprised me. I’d asked this question of myself quite a few times since discovering the yellowed cardboard with my mother’s particular penmanship after her death. Nothing I’d announced had hit just right. Mostly, I answered with things I thought I should want, or things that my inner Facebook-Ad-Life-Coach thought I should want: “To work with famous clients who are doing good in the world, like Michelle Obama, Greta Thunberg, Doctor’s Without Borders, Kamala Harris, and Malala Yousafzai.” It sounded great, to reach high as I entered the Empty Nest years. But it didn’t feel great. It felt superficial. I’m already working with people and organizations who expertly, thoughtfully, passionately, doggedly, make positive change for us all. I am constantly amazed, challenged, awakened, and thrilled by their purpose, their words, their vital work in the world. I am honored to work with them. I am grateful. It is more than enough. So, on the first day of 2023 the surprising thing I found myself announcing, out-loud, to the quiet morning kitchen was::…Read on.

Yesterday, in the rush-hour, holiday, crush of manic grocery-buying, I saw a man with one item join the long line behind me and my laden cart. I told him he could go before me. The woman in front of me offered the same, so he got right to the front of the line. He bought his item and left. The woman in front of me unloaded her cart and as she prepared to pay, the cashier said, “That man left 50.00 towards your groceries.” She was warmed and surprised. She asked if the store had a way to donate the money and then offered the 50.00 to their Food Bank drive. As you have probably guessed, when it came time for me to pay, the cashier smiled and said, “He left another 50 for you.” Ours went to the Food Bank, too. My daughter and I left with so many emotions and thoughts. Mostly a wave joy and gratitude. And the spark of play. “I wish I could have run outside and thanked him! I can’t believe this! …Read on.

My office-mate, Elisa Wood, energy writer, editor, and publisher, has this stickie note on the computer where she regularly hosts virtual meetings, conferences, and interviews. “Talk slower,” is her kindly nudge from her composed self to her harried self. She knows her communication habit: she speeds up when anxious, when excited, when raring to go. My tendency is to do the same thing during talks and trainings—gallop breathlessly ahead. My inner stickie note is a mantra: …Read on.

In this photo of the extraordinary actor/writer/director, Priyanka Shetty, notice her eyes. Notice her warmth, her depth, her open connection with…the camera? No! Priyanka is looking, it seems, right into our own eyes. Of course, in reality, she is looking into a cylindrical piece of glass. There is a skill to creating that intimacy—to remembering that though we see a piece of machinery, our audience will feel that we see THEM. Virtual communication offers us the chance to get cosy, create a sense of intimacy and connection with others. Think of a great actor in a film close-up. We see every emotion, every thought, we sense their humanity and feel their presence. We feel close to them. In virtual meetings, we rarely take advantage of this ripe opportunity. Rather, we tend to…Read on.

I am totally obsessed with the improvised swing dance competitions. The contestants are paired randomly, a song begins, and they have a minute or two to create a dance. Before the music begins, they physically connect. There is a sense of danger and play. Upon hearing the music, one of them tosses out a stylistic gesture that becomes a theme and both lead and follow using the very strict form of swing dance. They know exactly what to expect and have no idea what will happen. They have sway.

In the same way that we must be rooted in order to find sway in our bodies, we must have a structure in order to find sway in the content of our talks, agendas, and even tricky conversations.

In the post, Memorizing vs. Knowing a Talk, we looked at finding the balance between the rigid monotony that can come from memorizing and the inconsistency that can come from “winging it.” The balance is found, once more, in form and freedom. Preparation matters. Form matters. Only then, can we let go and play with abandon. Ask a professional improvisor how many years of study and hours of rehearsal have they clocked in order to become fluent enough in the form to find their sway. The form I like for most presentations and speeches is…Read on.

I vividly remember my grandmother, Kay, in the months before she died. Her lovely, papery skin, her mischievous blue eyes and bobbing brows, her long silver hair falling about her shoulders. In the mornings, she would twist it up with hairpins, slowly, but with the muscle memory of a life-time of this gesture. People would gather at her house most evenings, after an event, talking late into the night. By the end of the day, her feet had swollen terribly, so someone would hand her a finger of gin, take her feet onto their lap, slip off the binding shoes and medical stockings, and massage her precious feet. Feet that had danced with Isadora Duncan. Or, as she would correct me, “FOR Isadora Duncan. No one danced WITH Isadora.” Barefooted and briefly free of the pain and watery constraints, she would rise, her stance growing into the earth, her arms moving like soft ocean waves, and she would dance for us. Even as she stretched towards 90, walking slowly, holding tightly to an offered arm, pausing to rest at each step, my grandmother’s body had sway. To communicate with sway, we start with finding sway in our own bodies. This week:…Read on.

GLENDOWER:

“I can call spirits from the vasty deep.”

HOTSPUR:

“Why, so can I, or so can any man;

But will they come when you do call for them?”

--William Shakespeare, Henry IV, Part I—

Will they? Will they come when we do call for them? Will they be swayed by our words?  Will they change their minds?  Will they take action? Will they? What we say is important.  But how we say it determines its impact. How can we speak so that others will, not only listen, but will be swayed, moved, changed, by our words? My work with clients draws from the world of performance where artists have developed techniques that ground us in a clear structure, so that our work is free, present, agile, fluid, unexpected, human.  It sways.  Like a tree, deeply rooted, so that the branches are free to play with the wind, the birds, the buds, the storms, and seasons. We start by… Read on.

Thomas Woltz, the extraordinary landscape architect, is also an extraordinary speaker. He carries himself with a dignity and calm strength and is a perfect example of someone who “magnetizes in.” His stillness and poise are riveting. We are pulled towards his words. In his Charlottesville TEDx Talk, we can see this calm strength, feel the dignity, and the magentic pull of our attention. On January 1, 2023, I began a year-long on-line program with Rick Hanson called, The Foundations of Well-Being. Rick is a psychologist and mindfulness practitioner. In many of the weekly practices, he uses the phrases “calm strength” and “sitting with a sense of dignity.” As I sit for the practices, I feel my spine unfurl, the crown of my head grow towards the sky, my ribs expand. As the physical sensation of dignity and calm strength spreads through my body, an inner sense of dignity and calm strength takes root. I walk, stand, speak, from this place. Calm strength and dignity are qualities that people associate with presence, charisma, power, poise, and trust. Simply do this, every morning for a few minutes before we begin our day…Read on.

A year ago exactly, I wrote a post inspired by a dear friend, Deborah Lawrence about how to make friends. This past weekend I read a “Top Ten Things to Say to Make Friends” list written by a cherished family friend, Zoie. Zoie has many talents—she is a communicator, a community-maker, a leader (her school paper recently published an article about Zoie titled, “A New Leader Arrives”), and a very good friend to many. She listens deeply, answers every text within minutes, speaks out with courage, and is an unwavering, undaunted, supporter of the successes of others. A true friend. With her permission, I publish her list here. …Read on.

Here are a few things I always bring to events…Read on.

Yesterday a client asked what kind of chairs the panelists would sit in—she was concerned that they would be the typical “club chairs” favored by many organizations: over-sized, deep-seated, bulky arm chairs. She was wise to ask. Club chairs are perfect for anyone six foot and over. The rest of us (the average height for men in the US is 5’9” and for women, is 5’4”) can find ourselves swallowed up, lost in the nether reaches, falling deeper and deeper into the chair and struggling to pull ourselves out. On stage, we want to be present, alert, poised, and full of confidence. What to do?…Read on.

One very strange feature of virtual communication, aside from needing to look into a camera lens in order to have “eye contact,” is that we are asked to look at OURSELVES while interacting with others! It’s distracting, to say the least. Unnerving! And, did I say, distracting? Whether working with my clients on in-person or virtual communication, we use skills and techniques that consciously put our focus on the other, on the audience. So having our own visage mirror us, woo us, pull our focus, tease and antagonize us, adds a challenge to virtual communication. It’s hard to be present. And can make us feel anxious. So what can we do about the distraction of ourselves on our computer screens? Read on…

A friend recently said she was having a hard time fitting into the corporate world after leaving academia. She said she was “trying to be more professional.” When I asked what that meant, she said, “Somber. Serious.” She had been on a panel and found herself laughing, challenging, and enjoying the repartee. Reports are that she thrilled the audience with her wit and brazen candor. When we force ourselves into any external idea of how we should be, we end up with a two-dimensional, rigid, stock character. Rather than forcing ourselves into an idea of what a “professional” looks like (or sounds like!), I work with my clients to allow a free and alive presence, that is also appropriate to the situation. Many of us fear that if we are authentic, we will be inappropriate. Not so. As long as we are clear about…Read on.